Turbulence

the last three years have been turbulent. In three years, I have fallen in love, gotten engaged, got married, fought like crazy, changed jobs, changed CAREERS, gone to school, stopped going to school, supported my family, learned how to love a man with very different limitations, lost two pregnancies, questioned my faith, come closer to my husband, and recently totally found myself relying on my Heavenly Father in a way I never could have imagined. And that's just part of the last three years.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm just going to ramble a bit. Bear with me.

I feel really close to my husband these days. We had some times where we weren't so close. Casualties of getting married so quickly, we found out we didn't know much about each other outside of big huge things that everyone talks about early. We didn't know my of the deep, real things. But recently, we have taken long walks. We have stayed in bed for several hours just talking. We have connected in this huge real way. And I've never felt closer to him.

It's made me think about my relationship with Heavenly Father. I've been bad about nurturing my relationship with Him recently. I've struggled with my anxiety a lot over the last year, sometimes having up to five panic attacks a week. That's a lot for me. I haven't been to church lately because of my anxiety and also because I have just struggled. Faith has been hard since last June. But slowly, I have started having more conversations with my Heavenly Father. Deeper. Real. I've started revealing my deepest fears, and I let go of my biggest dream. I didn't give up, I just am no longer letting it control my every decision. My Heavenly Father knows this. He knows what I'm going through, even though I didn't always believe that he knew. The Atonement is real. Through losing my babies, through my fertility treatments, through the fights I've had, through the horrible, crippling anxiety, and through daily prayer and scripture study, I have learned the Atonement is so real. Christ died for my sins, and also for the pain I've felt. I am not alone, even when my anxiety would have me think and believe otherwise.

I'm ready for my next step, my next chapter, a better me. I'm moving on. I'm growing. I am stronger than ever. We are stronger than ever, and it's only up from here.

Thanks for your love friends.